MC Wishchitz: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Rant

Posted: December 6, 2011 by MC Wishchitz in Mc Wishchitz Movie Reviews

*Disclaimer, Review may contain some foul language*

Hi, my name is MC Wishchitz. PG Cooper and HT Schuyler wanted nothing to do with this movie, (And justifiably so!) so I stepped in to sit through it and review it myself.

And… Well, this piece of shit movie isn’t going to review itself.

Before we begin, I’d just like to say that you might as well call this movie: “Bella wants an abstinent vampire’s cock inside her” because that is a fact that is quite apparent quite early.

In fact, you could easily refer to the entire series by that name. Or by a variety of others: “You’re 100 years older than I am! I’m so wet~”, “’Fuck Me, Edward!’ ‘NO, LOL!’” or, my personal favorite; “I’d hook up with the guy who treats me with something close to respect like a sensible person, but it would feel too much like sleeping with my brother… Or the family dog, in this case”.

Stay tuned for my rant of Breaking Dawn, pt 2 when I inevitably see it, by the way. Or, as I and probably most people are going to call it: “This Bitch Can Get Paler?!

I remember seeing the film on opening night, awash in a sea of  hypnotized tweens and lonely old spinsters. Thankfully, a woman who looked just as angry about this movie as I was sat down next to me, so I wasn’t completely alone; But maybe she’s like that all the time. Maybe she was an asshole, I don’t know.

The movie opened up with my lone “Ugh…” in a sea of fangirl-ish squeals and screams. Yes, even from the old spinsters.

So, everyone’s preparing for Bella and Edward’s wedding. Maybe it’s just me, but I never saw Bella as having too much motivation to get married to Edward except to have sex with him. Once again, isn’t that the double standard of the century? If the genders were reversed, Bella (Bello?) would be the villain instead of the heroine.

I don’t remember too much else of worth happening in the beginning.  Jacob being butt-hurt maybe. But then, doesn’t he always look sort of butt-hurt? Maybe it’s just the way his eyes are shaped, but it looks to me like he’s constantly squinting or something.   Kind of like Gilbert Gottfried, except I actually like Gilbert Gottfried to a marginal degree.

I think my favorite part of the movie in a really bile fascination sort of way is the scene when they finally do tie the knot. (So Bella can finally have Edward’s knot)

The priest—Wait a second, the priest?! What priest in their right mind would willingly ordain a wedding between vampires? Or better yet, a wedding between a human and a vampire? Aren’t vampires themselves kind of a sin against God in the eyes of religion? I’d think they’d fall under the category of “Daemon” in Biblical mythos.

You’d allow a woman and a daemon to marry, but not two dudes. Nice one, Washington.

Anyway, digressing from that… issue, he says after the boring montage of their vows, “You may kiss the bride”.

Well, actually, no. I don’t believe he does say that as a matter of fact. I’m pretty sure Bells and Eddy just make out right there for about three hours on their own volition. I’m not joking. The camera revolves to show that no one’s there watching, probably to show the audience that they’re in their own world now.

Or probably to make the scene itself less creepy because it’s easier to show two people bury themselves in each others mouths if there’s nobody else watching.

But you know they’re still there, because they’re applauding at the end, when they finally stop making out. Probably thanking whatever deity is in the process.

Except Charlie. Charlie probably wants to shoot himself.

Anyway, so we get a boring wedding party scene, Edward and Jacob bitch because Jake’s the biggest cock-block ever, and Edward and Bella stop in Rio Di Janeiro on their honey moon—Briefly becoming the only white people there with all their teeth intact by the end of their visit. (Which, if you know anything about Rio Di Janeiro, is quite an accomplishment.)

Anyway, I guess the Cullens have their own island now, since Bella and Edward go there after? What the fuck?

By the way, is it ever established what exactly the Cullen’s do? I understand that being immortal has its advantages, such as being able to accumulate wealth for a much longer period of time than most, but they surely must have jobs. Unlike those dirty werewolves.

So, we get some scenes of gratuitous room destroying sex, the revelation that Bella likes getting it rough (It’s always the quiet ones who are the freaks, I find.) and after a few boring scenes, surprise, Bella’s pregnant.

Now, I don’t intend on going overboard with the pregnancy jokes, as they don’t really go out of their way to present it glamorously. As a matter of fact, I was thinking that the make up crew should get an Oscar Nomination, or even a Nobel prize: Simply for making Kirsten Stewart look more cadaverous and pale than she already is.

I guess at this point the rest of the werewolves are pissed about this whole “Bella is preggers” thing, and want to kill the shit out of every fucking body in the Cullen house anyway, so they decide to besiege the house, knowing that Bella’s fetus (Or baby.) is slowly killing her from within. Those silly dhaymprs~

Jacob disagrees with this, however, and sets off to protect little Bella on his own, because he has a hero complex and probably still wants to give that dog a bone. He’s joined by Seth and Leah, two other werewolves of little significance to the plot.

So, after little of significance happens, Bella’s spine breaks and she goes into labor. One scene shot entirely in gaussian blur later, it turns out she had twins, a difference from the actual book, in which she just has a daughter.

Renesmee and Ejay (Edward and Jacob’s mother, and Edward and Jacob’s name put together respectively.) Edward tries to turn Bella immediately afterwards, but she dies, (FINALLY.) and Jacob decides that the only rational thing to do is kill the only living genetic links of Bella left.

It doesn’t transpire that way. Instead, we get a falling in love montage with Jacob and Renesmee (Who I must remind everyone, is about two minutes old now.) Suddenly, Jacob has a major revelation: “Of course! I don’t want to kill Bella’s daughter! I’m going to fuck her instead!”

And thus, he imprints on her, completely forgetting this means he’ll have to wait until she’s legal before he can do it with her like the rest of his species does it on the Discovery Channel.

The werewolves fuck off, not wanting to kill everyone anymore because Bellz is dead, and one member of the vampires being imprinted on by a werewolf means they can’t kill everyone else for some damn reason.

The movie ends with Bella’s transformation completed, with a shot of Bella’s blood red eyes snapping open. The fangirls all shout and applaud. The woman I sat next to hurries out of the theatre. Not wanting to be trampled by the masses, I followed suit, shaking my head at what I just witnesses.

This movie was just awful. Not in the “MMMM  TWILIGHT AND EVERYTHING RELATING TO IT IS SHITTY” way, either. The events in this movie transpire slower than an ice cube that’s sliding off a plate covered in molasses, the pacing is fucking terrible, there are more holes in the plot then in a gopher infested golf course, Kirsten Stewart still manages to maintain that empty slack jawed stare she always has throughout the movie… It makes me wonder if Bella’s face is like that during sex.

EDWARD: I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.
BELLA: No, mang, I like the pain!
EDWARD: No, it’s not that! Damnit, Bella, you need to move or something. Half the time it feels like I’m fucking a dead body with that glazed over look you constantly have on. I kind of figured once I was in your pants that would change, but I was wrong, apparently. Fuck! *starts smoking a cigarette*

*later*

BELLA: …I’m pregnant!
EDWARD: *shoots himself*

I can’t even begin to fathom what the hell “Part 2” of this no good, dirty rotten piece of fuck movie is going to be like, because contrary to popular belief, I did read the books. As far as I remember, there’s not even a climactic battle sequence or anything like that. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure the entire series ends with some diplomatic negotiations. Great way to end your series, guys. Fuck

It’s shaping up to be an even more bland sequel, which at this point in time, seems completely impossible. November 16th, 2012 is the day we can wash our hands of this sparkly vampire fuckery for good. Remember it well. I know I will.

I rank this film One Baby Fucking Werewolf out of Five.

Comments
  1. HT Schuyler says:

    Absolutely hilarious review! So glad your on the site man, keep up the awesome work!

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